Sex

Stories

The Case of a Broken Penis

We had an episode where a guy came in with a broken penis. He has apparently been having a good ol time with his girlfriend and missed going back in and had been going kinda fast and broken the cartilage in his penis. When he left, he had a cast on his penis. His girlfriend didn’t even drive him to ...

Back Up the Tubes

A guy in his 20’s came in with his fiancee (she forced him to apparently) and stated that he got drunk one night and wanted to “play with himself.” He stated he shoved his testicles “back up the tubes.” Sure enough they were partially lodged in the inguinal canal. The worst part is that he waited 2 YEARS to be ...

Broken Rubber

Dispatched out at 0115 for "injured person." Arrived to find a 16 y/o female who, in a low voice, said, "My boyfriend's rubber just broke and I need a pregnancy test."

Cash or Credit?

Female presents with vaginal bleeding. Imagine my surprise when I go to do the exam and see a VISA card lodged in her vagina.

First Dose of Pills

Patient comes in to ER complaining of STD symptoms for a month. He was seen and treated the previous month for same symptoms. Pt responds, "I only took the first dose of pills that I was given, I didn't know I had to take the rest."

New Year, New STD

A few days after New Year's, a male comes in with a chief complaint that he doesn't feel well and wants an STD check. He mutters, "Ugh...New Year's Eve was really crazy."

Penis Ring

Turns out his wife put a ring around his penis and it got stuck. His wife was on the phone and refused to come in saying they were getting a divorce.

I Could Still Pee

Nurse asks, "How long have you been like this?" Pt replied, "Three days." Nurse then asked, "Why didn't you come in sooner?" His answer, "I could still pee."

Except for Myself

Patient in ER complaining of burning sensation during urination. Nurse: "How many sexual partners have you had in the past year?" Pt: "Just one, well except for myself."

Ever Been Bedridden?

Nurse was reviewing patient's surgical history and asked if she had been bedridden after her hip fracture. She replied, "Not since my husband was alive..."

Can’t Stop Masturbating

A male presents to the ER. When asked by the triage nurse what brought him in he stated, "I can't stop masturbating in public."

Sharp Shower Sex

Female patient was having sex with her boyfriend in the shower when she brushed up against her razor resulting in minor lacerations on her buttocks.

Hurting Thighs

Pt: "My groin and inner thighs are hurting." Nurse: "When did the pain begin?" Pt: "After having sex with my boyfriend."

Bedpost Toy

Turns out, she was standing with one foot on a chair and one foot on her bed and masturbating using her bedpost as her toy. She lost her balance and fell onto the bedpost, leading to the vaginal injury.

Go All The Way

Teenage girl comes in and says she needs her period stopped. Turns out the prom dance was the next day and she wanted to "go all the way" with the boy she liked.

Females Only

EMS dispatched to call and female answers door. She states it is embarrassing and only wants the female tech to help.

Slipped Off The Toilet

Called to a home where we found a male with a toilet plunger inserted into his rectum. He stated he slipped off the toilet and fell on to the plunger. Yes, we all know that he "slipped" and it just happened to happen.

I Want a Cure

Male patient in to ER saying, "I know someone is using sorcery against me because I can't get an erection and I want a cure!"

Like a Virgin

Young male came in with his girlfriend and wanted us to check if she was a virgin! They didn't make it past triage.

Forgo the Oral

A 20-something man presents very embarrassed. He reluctantly admits that his girlfriend was giving him oral sex when "the head of the penis became red and swollen."

Practice Safe Bolting

Patient came in to ER with a socket wrench dangling from his penis. Why does someone have romantic tendencies with a socket wrench? Treated him for hematoma and told him to lay off the "hardware" for a while.

A Bic in his Dick

We were transferring a pt between hospitals. He starts to tell me that while searching the internet he found a site that said you could pleasure yourself by sticking a Bic pen up your penis.

Like a Hotdog in a Hallway

A young woman presents with a really embarrassed look on her face. She tells me that she can't get her Nuvaring out.

Getting Hang Down Stank

Patient comes in with hemorrhaging of the penis. When asked what happens, patient states, "Getting some stank on my hang down...and then she bites it!"

Mechanic Man

"I just knew I had an infection, because my boyfriend is a mechanic and his fingers are always dirty and he wants to finger me every night."

Slippery when wet

14-year-old male brought in by EMS accompanied with his parents with a chief complaint of penis laceration. Story is he was in the shower and he stuck his "unit" in a shampoo bottle and it got stuck.

You’ll go blind if you keep doing that!

I triaged a teenage male who was convinced he was going blind because he was seeing spots. His parents caught him masturbating the week before and told him he was going to go blind if he continued and he believed it was finally happening.

It’s OK, I have Medicaid

Pt: "I need a pregnancy test."

Not the Energizer Bunny

Apparently a "hired lady" placed 2 AAA batteries into a man's penis to keep it hard. Unfortunately they could not remove them after. They went to the ER and he was transferred to the OR to have the batteries removed.

I Found a Lump

Had a woman come in 0200 who had been screwing around and her boyfriend almost bit off her nipple.

Too Big to Handle

A 55-year-old patient with torsion of ovary - she came in twice, each time with a different ovary.

Patient is in “stable” condition

29-year-old male called 911 for traumatic injuries. Turns out that in some bizarre sex game he's pushed 3 toy horses into his rectum.

Job Well Done

We responded to the local "no-tell" motel, and found a couple whose age was in question, looking very nervous as the police question them.

All Oiled Up

A woman came in with a complaint of pain with urination and suprapubic pain. Simple, right? Get a urine sample and send her on her way with instructions for UTI.

Peeping Psych

Frequent flyer psych pt (not currently suicidal/homicidal) in the waiting room becomes aggressive towards other pts, so he's escorted to the quiet room usually used for grieving families.

Midnight Tryst

Patient comes in with chest pain in the middle of the night.

Dildo Don’ts

Patient's wife was away at a nearby casino and he was having a little "fun time" alone at home.

Can’t find the Condom

Female calls the ER at about 0600 with a question: She said that she and her boyfriend had sex and now they could not find the condom.

Yes, You Need an Adult

While working the front desk of the ER, we had a patient call in around 11pm asking if a 17-year-old could in to the ER for a pregnancy test without an adult.

My unit arrives on s

My unit arrives on scene, and I walk into the room to find a 70something year old male who was sounding with a toothbrush. (For those of you not in the know, sounding is the insertion of objects into the urethra for sexual pleasure.) Our patient inserted the toothbrush bristle end first (I have no idea how) and could not ...

Making my rounds thr

Making my rounds through ER one night I discover that there is a guy in trauma who came in via ambulance because he has a cock ring with a very firm grip on his genitalia. So firm that he has passed out from lack of oxygen. Sounds tragic. Not! This is the second time he has been to the ER ...

Had a middle aged gu

Had a middle aged guy come in the other night who tried to use a zip tie as a penis ring. unfortunately he wasn’t able to get it off after he was done…and neither was his mommy who accompanied him to the ER.

Just this weekend ha

Just this weekend had a pt coming in asking for Viagra. I explained that this was an emergency department and that that was something that needed to be managed by his primary MD. He sai “If you saw this girl you would know that this is sn emergency!!!”

Had a pt come in yes

Had a pt come in yesterday with groin pain. And the cause for pain was that he put the barrel of a pen down into his penis cause he couldn’t get it up not knowing the spring was still in the pen barrel.

30 year old guy come

30 year old guy comes in with a broken finger after gettin into a fight and punching a wall. he then goes on to say that he’s got a high tolerence to pain. I then proceed to put an IVC in to which he starts crying hystercially saying that the prick hurt!

Patient comes in wan

Patient comes in wanting to know when her baby was conceived. If it was on November 4th then it’s ok but if it was October 28th, she wants an abortion as that isn’t her husband’s kid.

"you said you’re n

“you said you’re not sexually active?” response “I’m not, I just lay there, he does all the work”

Question: "Is there

Question: “Is there any chance that you may be pregnant?” Reply: “I don’t know, but you can ask my boyfriend”

RN: "any chance tha

RN: “any chance that you might be pregnant?” Pt: “No, My boyfriend said I can’t get pregnant if we have sex standing up”

Just like in hetrose

Just like in hetrosexual couples, spousal abuse occurs in same sex couple. So one night i’m about to give an IV to this whiney 30 year old guy when his boyfriend interjects with “if you can take my dick up your ass, you can take this needle.”

So what do you do wh

So what do you do when the batteries in your vibrator die and you’re horny but too lazy to go buy new ones? You set your phone to vibrate, jam it up your pussy and call yourself. Next, you take the important step of not being able to remove the phone and end up in emerg.

"My coochie be a st

“My coochie be a stinkin’ and my bofriend won’t eat it no mo”

3am chief complaint:

3am chief complaint: Pain in penis. Guy says “I think something is inside me.” I ask what do you mean you think? He replies “I fell asleep and these guys stuck something inside my penis…” That something? A bic pen that was lodged all the way up to his prostatic urethra! I called up urology on call whose reply was ...

Last night mid 30's

Last night mid 30’s guy comes in and says: “I want my foreskin reattached, all the guys at the gym think I’m Jewish.” *facepalm*

A 28 year old male p

A 28 year old male presents with foreskin stuck in his zipper. Too quick leaving the bathroom? No, his girlfriend used her teeth to zip him up after a blow job and completely fucked it up.

Last night I triaged

Last night I triaged a college kid with “a burning penis”. I assumed it was going to be just another STD like so many others. Sadly, he used Purell to masturbate with. Rhodes fucking Scholar right there.

PT is brought in for

PT is brought in for suspicion of pregnancy by foster mom. Test is positive. PT breaks into tears. Says she doesn’t know how. She has been INSERTING her birth control pills everyday and has not missed even one. Tard.

PT has rank smell. H

PT has rank smell. Hygiene appears to be good so Mom brings her in to find out why. PT finally admits that she and her BF wanted to do something kinky so they tied some bells onto his penis before having intercourse. Bells fell off and have been in her vagina for a few weeks. Once the bells were retrieved ...

Patient reported dis

Patient reported discomfort in and around her vagina. Upon investigation, it was ascertained that she had been having sex with her boyfriend when the condom broke. Thinking quickly, in order to avert pregnancy, she douched with the closest thing at hand: a can of cream soda. “It’s fizzy, right? So it should get you real clean.” Hey, at least she ...

48yo male @ ER; "my

48yo male @ ER; “my friends played a joke on me & put this bottle on my penis”. 20oz Mountain Dew bottle around his penis. He presented 4AM Saturday morning, but this occurred 11PM Thursday night, so he waits 29 hours to come in. He had cut off all of the bottle except the hard plastic part that the cap ...

Obese teen female ca

Obese teen female came by ambulance at 4 AM worried she was pregnant. Said she stopped using condoms with her bf after a week “because he decided I was his girl now and he didn’t have to wear one anymore” I decided a pelvic was in order. I first had to tell her what a gynecologist was and what a ...

I do intefacility tr

I do intefacility transfers (mostly to behavioral health centers) and on one occasion I was met in the ED by a grinning RN. Handing me an apron she continued to explain that my patient was a “chronic masturbator” and then wished me luck with my 45 min. trip…

I have seen 2 men co

I have seen 2 men come to the ER with objects stuck in their rectums. The first was a man with an 11 inch vibrator stuck inside. When we pulled it out it had a condom wrapped around it. The other guy said his wife put a cucumber up his butt. Sure enough there was a cucumber, but we had ...

Patient comes into E

Patient comes into ER for a vibrator stuck in his Ass. The ER physician can feel the vibrations coming through the man’s abdomen and cannot retrieve it so he consults a surgeon who comes in to see patient and takes him for surgery. Just prior to the surgery, The surgeon asks the patient "alright when I get in here do ...

last night- woman co

last night- woman comes in with vaginal bleeding. Of course, our first though was why didn’t she just go see her gynie, etc. But her case just goes to show that there’s always that one in a million that is actually an emergency. She was over 40, got a new- apparently better than average endowed- boyfriend, and had sex for ...

A female came in ask

A female came in asking to have a pregnancy test done. I told her that we don’t do pregnancy tests but she could go down to the dollar store and buy one. She then leaned over to her partner and asked “do we want to buy one?”. Yay for “free” medicine.

had a woman ring tri

had a woman ring triage at 0400 stating that her husband was scratching his "genticles" and did that mean he had syphillis!

Had someone call 911

Had someone call 911 and come in by ambulance at 4am because, "I was playing with myself and when I smelled my fingers afterward, the smell made me short of breath." NASTY!

dont you just love i

dont you just love it when a dude comes in with something stuck in his ass…. it’s always the same excuse; "i accidentally sat on it" my absolute favorite was the apple that had to be surgically removed!! we sang the song "apple bottom jeans" to the nurse who was taking care of him all night lol

Spent 2 hours removi

Spent 2 hours removing a bottle of Phisohex from a Dude’s behind after he accidentally sat upon it. He called back after discharge stating he was having some discomforts.. my suggestion? Sit upon a bottle of tylenol…

Another one of my fa

Another one of my favorites.. called EMS for ‘penile discharge’.. had an STD.. then asked for the ambulance to take him back home

How about this one..

How about this one.. a lady presents with half of a vibrator in her rectum.. unfortunately the battery portion which was still running…. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… hahahaha!

My favorite call was

My favorite call was "if you have gonorrhea can you still eat cheese?" I had to of course share this question with a doctor standing near by, whose response was "Depends on where you eat it from I guess". Then he walked away.

woman asked for the

woman asked for the morning after pill. I explained that we only give it in cases of rape, but she could get it from planned parenthood – she said she tried but they said "no"I had never heard of planned parenthood ever turning someone down so I asked her if they gave her a reason and she said "yes, because ...

I recently triaged a

I recently triaged a girl who came up to my desk in tears. "i was at a party and some guy put afro gel in my vagina!" must have been some party.

The first week at tr

The first week at triage…. "Sir, how can I help you today?" the reply…. "My penis hurts…", "And why does your penis hurt?". " Because a CALF was sucking it!" You can’t make this shit up!

a few months back we

a few months back we had a 30 something patient come in holding a bleeding cloth against his groin. While having drunken sex with his whale of a girlfriend, they decided that his foreskin was getting in the way (not her rolls though) so he thought it would be a good idea to give himself a circumcision with a pair ...

A fat loser came in

A fat loser came in by Ambulance one night because she became short of breath while having sex…we all thought "well, hell if your doing it right you SHOULD be short of breath!"

We had a girl come i

We had a girl come into the ER about 1700 on a Sunday and ask if we could look at her vagina and tell her if she’d has sex the night before or not because she had forgotten.

So this one is kinda

So this one is kinda gross, you might want to skip over if you have a weak stomach. So it’s 4am and we get a call that a VSA (vital signs absent) patient is coming in. A couple is having sex and the guy can’t get it up and a fight ensues. The guy (naked) walks into the garage, turns ...

Had a 66 y/o M come

Had a 66 y/o M come in because he had bought a "special toy" and had gotten it stuck, in himself! His wife was crying and saying he needed to be admitted to psych. the best part was that you could here the thing vibrating when you were close to him. haha.

Guy comes into the E

Guy comes into the ER w/ a can of air freshener stuck up his butt hole. Looked kinda cool on x-ray. We all nodded in agreement….good place to keep the air freshener!

40 something guy doe

40 something guy does amphetamine for the first time…..bored so decides to watch porno and whack ohh….halfway through starts to hallucinate and thinks his member is splitting in half and his forehead is swelling up…..calls ambulance……by the time he is seen he is no longer hallucinating.

I saw a patient last

I saw a patient last year, who’s chief complaint was "rectal bumps". The patient stated that they used "tanning oil and hair conditioner" because they ran out of lube.

A patient brought to

A patient brought to the ER for Assessment – she fought with her partner over sex so was now suicidal.

A couple from a very

A couple from a very very conservative religious group comes in. husband want the wife be admitted to psych because she wants to have sex. i don’t know what happened after the evaluation.

Guy comes in with li

Guy comes in with lightbulb in rectum (you have to see the x-ray). Doc attempted to remove it in ED and it shattered in his ass perforating his rectum in many places. Had to remove the pieces in theatre. Guy was in hospital for a week.

13 yr old boy finds

13 yr old boy finds his 19 yr old sister’s vibrator. he got stuck (ass) and after trying to remove it for 5hr, he breaks down to tell his sis. Sis freaks out and calls 911. The poor kid was lying there buzzing intermittently and ended up in surgery to have it removed.

My fav so far – A wo

My fav so far – A women used an aerosol can to masturbate and the lid came off and got stuck….she tried to have her kids remove it, but they were unsuccessful so the surgeon did!

We had guy come in a

We had guy come in after condom broke requesting the morning-after pill. For himself.

Got an ambulance pat

Got an ambulance patch for a 40ish male who got intoxicated, walked outside and dropped his pants to pee, passed out and fell face first in a pile of dog feces. Gives the word "shitfaced" a whole new meaning!

I saw a 19 year old

I saw a 19 year old man at 5AM with a zit behind his ear. It had been there for 1 month. He said he hadn’t taken it to the GP because he didn’t think it was serious, but was now worried that it hadn’t resolved itself so it was an emergency. fuck.

doing a pelvic and p

doing a pelvic and pulling out an old condom and pt says to her significant other.. "there it is, we looked ALLLLL over for that thing, in the bed, in the trash, in the toilet….. " i held my breath while asking just how long they have been looking and they say …. "it has been about a week!"

30 something man who

30 something man who had used a plastic 600ml coke bottle as a sexual aid – subsequently stuck on a very purple & engorged penis 3 HOURS LATER! He had attempted to cut it off but had managed to cut up a fair bit of skin. I’m not going to be able to drink a coke for weeks because of ...