Funny

Stories

Ajax on Pancakes

Actual text from triage assessment: “Pt states she accidentally poured Ajax dish detergent on her pancakes instead of syrup. Pt states she rinsed her mouth out several times but still wants to be checked.”

What Happens When You Drink For 7 Days

Patient arrives to ER by ambulance; combative, urinates pants and states “I’ve been drinking for 7 days.”

Unable to Urinate? Here’s the Solution

Male patient comes to the ER complaining that he hasn’t been able to make much urine. Patient also complains that he is having severe abdominal and pelvic pressure. Upon assessing the patient he looks to be very distended. The patient begins to tell a nurse and myself how it got so bad last night that he went to the garage ...

Still Naughty at Sixty

I work at an Emergency Center, and we had a 60 year old woman come in with a cucumber stuck up her hooha.

A Doctorate in Massage Therapy

25 y/o female arrives to ER c/o “deep cough.” She is about 5’3″ 110lbs. Pt corrects triage nurse by telling her, sharply, “NO, I have a DEEP THROMBOSIS.” Pt reassures triage nurse that she “knows what she’s talking about” because she has a doctorate… in massage therapy. Nurse informs patient that you cannot cough up an embolism.

I Can’t Hold Pressure

Ran a call on the truck not too long ago, 30 minutes to get to the call. Call was for “lacerations with profuse bleeding”. On scene, we find a woman who had been drinking, heavily, and was reaching for a clock that happened to be broken. She had cut her ring and pinky fingers on the broken clock, a lac ...

How About We Wash You with Soup?

Nurse is cleaning a Hispanic woman after she gave birth. She is trying to explain in Spanish that she is going to wash her with soap and then dry her off, but she doesn’t know the word for soap, so she substitutes it with “sopa” which means soup in Spanish. So basically, “We are going to wash you with the ...

The Case of a Broken Penis

We had an episode where a guy came in with a broken penis. He has apparently been having a good ol time with his girlfriend and missed going back in and had been going kinda fast and broken the cartilage in his penis. When he left, he had a cast on his penis. His girlfriend didn’t even drive him to ...

Massive Quantities of Calories

Seen in a consult note for a morbidly obese gentleman with heart failure: “…apparently while his wife was working, Mr. X had been sitting at home consuming massive quantities of calories and not exercising…”

Discharged for Dehydration

I am wheeled into the ER by my dad because I can’t walk due to the pain in my legs from dehydration. Dehydration, by the way, was my chief complaint. All vitals were consistent with this, and when the doctor came into the room to ask what was wrong, I said I was dehydrated. He looked at me and said ...

It hurts when I fart…

Funniest chief complaint I ever heard in triage: "It hurts when I fart..."

Fresh Breath

We got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene and she hands us an empty mint container saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.

Hair Loss Crisis

Male patient comes in to ER complaining of hair loss. He had two barely visible bald patches so we told him off and sent in the direction of acquiring a GP.

Your Other Right

He's yelling, "Move to your right! (pause) Move to your right!" Apparently one driver became confused because I heard my partner suddenly say, "No! Your other right, you dip shit!"

Gave Me An Eminem

Pt: "Last time I was here they gave me an Eminem and I felt better." (Enema)

Shit Off a Cliff

Nurse: "What is your emergency today?" Pt: "I feel like I've been eaten by a wolf and shit off a cliff."

Barbecue and Spicy Food!

When I went back into the treatment room to get him to sign my paperwork he asked what the ER doc had determined. I replied, "She said that you can have all the barbecue and spicy food you want for the rest of your life."

Trying to Attain Chi

A "new age" patient came in to ER complaining of back pain after she fell off her couch trying to attain "chi." I don't think she ever found it...

Leaves of Three

Male presents with a reaction to poison ivy while building a deck. Friend recalls that the patient quoted the Simpson's line, "leaves of three, let it be... leaves of four, eat some more."

Playing the Music too Loud

Little old lady came to the ER via EMS with complaints that her ears were hurting since her family was "playing the music too loud."

Bowel movement? What’s that?

23 y/o female c/o gastrointestinal pain, talking on cell phone in triage when nurse started asking questions. Nurse: "When was your last bowel movement?" Pt: "Bowel movement? What's that?"

X-Rays Cure

Female patient brought in after a minor accident in shopping mall parking lot. She was complaining of severe toe pain "to all her toes on both feet" so the EMT splinted both feet with IV arm boards. Patient was taken for X-rays and it is amazing how X-ray machines can cure a lot.

Heineken Maneuver

EMS arrived on scene of man choking on food. Man's girlfriend stated, "My boyfriend was choking so I gave him the Heineken maneuver."

Prostate Exam at 3AM

An intoxicated male comes in to the ER looking for a prostate exam at 3 am (because that's an emergency!). The doctor asks if he knows what it entails, to which the reply is "No."

Let the Lord Heal Your Baby

We keep our psych patients in the hallways to keep a close eye on them.

Kentucky Jelly

I was caring for a young woman and asked, "So how‘s your breakfast this morning?" "It‘s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can‘t seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

Attack of the Squirrel

Parents bring in young son who had been playing in the yard when a squirrel approached him. The boy tried to pet the squirrel and it in turn attacked him.

Velcro Ponytail

Doctor goes in to clear her and comes out holding the board and laughing uncontrollably. The board had a velcro head block attachment and stuck to that was the woman's complete 8" ponytail.

Gotta Get the Rest of My Thumb

Female patient in to ER for a thumb laceration. After checking in, she rushed out and said, "Be right back, I gotta go home and get the rest of my thumb."

Attack of the Vending Machine

EMS arrived on scene where young male got his arm stuck in a vending machine. The poor guy was so humiliated that he wouldn't make eye contact with any of the first responders - all that for a bottle of soda.

At Least It Isn’t Broken

Nurse: "Sorry to tell you this but your wrist is fractured." Patient: "Thank God it isn't broken!"

Patient “Du Jour”

A patient came in to the ER whose name was "Du Jour" - unfortunately he didn't know what his name meant.

Electric Lights Are Off

Nurse: "Why did your doctor order this test?" Pt: "He said my electric lights are off." (Read as electrolytes)

Attack of the Crohn’s

Patient comes in to ER complaining of severe gastrointestinal pain.

When’s Your Birthday?

Nurse: "What's your date of birth?" 5 -year-old boy: "May 2nd."

PEW PEW PEW!

Male pt brought in to ER high on meth and grabbing/pointing his penis like a laser gun and saying "pew pew pew"

A New Boy Toy

Teenage girl came into ER complaining of a fever, swollen glands, sore throat and continued drowsiness. During triage she said she began feeling like this only after a week of dating a new boy. Turns out she had mono and the culprit was what she referred to as her new "boy toy."

Take that Bra Off!

Elderly female comes to ER via ambulance c/o chest pain. When we took her bra off for the x-ray, she said she felt much better. Turns out she put her much smaller roommate's bra on that morning!

Spooning with Grandma

Called to a local senior facility for a patient with a "spoon stuck in her mouth with severe hemorrhaging."

Demolition Man

I was on EMS duty and was filling out an incident report for an injury of a driver at a demolition derby.

Mooooooooove Away!

emsEMS crew gets a call about "grandpa" having passed out. They arrive on scene to find grandpa laying in the middle of a cow field and unresponsive. Fire fighters could not assist EMS as they were having to constantly shew the cows away.

Jill Fell Down the Hill

Our paramedics get called out to a tobogganing hill for a fall injury. Seems a women fell down the entire 100 ft hill. You're thinking how is it possible to fall down such a hill without friction stopping you? She was 5 foot 1 and 260lbs - a perfect sphere.

Looking Like a Fool with your Pants on the Ground

An elderly patient had broken her hip and came in with 6 family members. The family members leave without telling the RN leaving the husband with the wife.

Teeny Weenie

An 18-year-old presents in the ER with a "small penis" and he is scared something bad has happened. Turns out he was swimming in a cold swimming pool and was promptly told to go home.

Jock Itch? No Work!

Man comes in to the ER by ambulance for 2-week-old jock itch and now expects the ER doc to give him an excuse for work.....

Sorry, I had to mow the lawn

A young woman with funky purple hair styled into a punk rock mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered the ER c/o severe abdominal pain.

Help me, I’m homeless

A homeless guy came to the ER one night because he was living on the beach. I told him that is great and I wish I could live on the beach like him: no utilities, no stuff, nice climate, worst thing you worry about is rain and there is shelter nearby.

Special Brownies

A diabetic woman in her 80's with altered mental status is admitted and we run tests. We realize she was just stoned and the woman and her whole family react angrily.

Got da Sugars!

EMS respond for a diabetic call, arrived to be met at the door by a hysterical woman shouting, "Yous gotsta hurry! My honey's got da sugars!"

Priorities, Priorities, Priorities

When the fire alarm sounds at 2 in the morning, it's nice to know that patients have their priorities straight when several of them ask about going to the bathroom instead of if we can help them out.

It Hurts When I Do This

My 10 year old son had been complaining about pain in his right shoulder area. I made an appointment and when we finally got into the doctor's room the doctor asked my son what was wrong.

Little Blue Pill

Patient comes in with his girlfriend to triage; presents an empty blister pack of pills to RN.

Quite a Shock

Patient's wife talking to her husband, "Just tell them the truth, you were cleaning your genitals in the shower..."

Pot and Kitties

Got called to a local college for a 19/M c/o hallucinations and vomiting.

Yummy!

I told a parent I needed to give their child a suppository.

One Cool Cat

No Flu for You!

We had a patient come in to the ER and ask if we were giving the "Hi-N eye" shots.

Mommy, what’s that?

Asked an 11-year-old child if she had diarrhea.

Party Prisoner

Had a kid (under 21) brought in by police handcuffed for blood draw on Halloween. He was in his costume dressed as a prisoner.

Sunburned ex-husband

My ex-husband had a really bad sunburn. As a way to relieve the pain, I told him to pat down with vinegar and take a cool shower.

Babies and Blue Ribbons

Patient came to ER stating, "I need a blue ribbon test 'cause my baby was born jealous."

Young guy w CC of "

Young guy w CC of “Bump on rectum” I examine him and find a veritable briar patch of HPV all over the rectum and perineum(he’s in the fetal position with his back to me)..I tap him on the shoulder and he looks back at me.”Are u homosexual?”I ask,He thinks a moment and shakes his head “No”.I ponder this a moment, ...

I saw a patient in t

I saw a patient in triage who said, ” I have a bad crack habit, I need to lick it!

Pt comes in with com

Pt comes in with complaints of back pain. After examination, nothing is wrong and dr gives motrin. When the pt realizes he was not getting narcs he decides he needs to use the restroom. The ER had been packed all night and we didn’t notice right away that pt didn’t return. ED got a call a hour later that our ...

While working triage

While working triage, I had a young guy came in handcuffed by police, pants were shredded from ass to ankle. When asked what brought him in the the ER, he proceeded to tell me that it was his 1 year anniversary with his girlfriend. He wanted to make it romantic, so the broke into Phipps Conservatory (a big beautiful greenhouse ...

I went in to registe

I went in to register a pt and asked if there was any accident or injury involved..his response “NO I’m just not able to pass gas like, it is really hard to, when I think I have to it doesn’t come out.” Pt lets out this HUGE fart….then continues to tell me ” like that, I had to try really ...

Had a young girl com

Had a young girl come in screaming about a terrible headache with the mom yelling at us. she wasn’t cooperative during her exam. She kept on screaming forever. Turns out her weave was done earlier that day and it was too tight!

I overheard a pt in

I overheard a pt in a room sayin “can ya hurry up and discharge me i have to be back at my corner to give blows jobs for money so i cant get my crack tonight”

Dumb 12YO male prese

Dumb 12YO male presents with pain, swelling and abrasions on penis. He took dad’s Viagra and ended up with priapism. Told the hysterical mom that “swelling” was called an erection, and that abrasions on penis came from the brat whacking off too hard and thus the pain. Mom asked what do we give brat to get rid of erection. Told ...

I triaged a very lar

I triaged a very large, very shy woman. I asked her what brought her in to the ER today and she just sat there. I said, “Dear if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I won’t know how to help you.” Slowly and quietly she proceeds to tell me, “I slammed my boob in the trunk.” I said, “I am ...

About a week ago I h

About a week ago I had an MHA for a girl who screamed at her whole boyfriend’s family for not inviting her to xmas and then tried to run her bf’s car off the road. She was freaking out in the back of the ambulance, upset that we dare take her to the hospital. In triage she got my partner’s ...

Triage Nurse: "How

Triage Nurse: “How are you doing today hun?” 90 something patient from a nursing home yelling at the top of her lungs: “I’M PEEING”

Nurse to 80 y/o Pt:

Nurse to 80 y/o Pt: This is Xanax. It’s for your Anxiety Patient’s 60 y/o Daughter: Mom take it. She said it’s for Anti-insanity

A few days ago, some

A few days ago, someone stole a wheelchair from my sister’s clinic, and tried to do tricks with it in the parking lot, which had a staircase to the sidewalk. Guess what? Now they need that wheelchair.

I dealt with my firs

I dealt with my first tran-gendered M->F patient a couple days ago. I was looking through his/her chart and the previous MD (known for drawing sketches in charts) had a nicely drawn vagina of the patient with the dimensions labeled and all. I go outside to the waiting room and there are only three patients waiting, two ‘normal’ looking women ...

60ish male presents

60ish male presents to E.D. complaining of right knee pain. I ask they gentleman when it started. His reply, “1966, when I was in boot camp.” No recent changes or anything else. So, I wrote down his chief complaint of ‘knee pain x 43 years.’ Seriously… here’s some $600 ibuprofen.

I was hooking my pat

I was hooking my patient (a 30 something year old male) to an ECG and was explaining the procedure to him as I did so. I had explained to him that this machine measures the electrical conduction within the heart. Once he was all wired up I asked him to lie still for me, and from the patient comes a ...

Picked up an approx

Picked up an approx 75 year old man with a turnip lodged in his rectum. When I asked how this occurred he told me that three men broke into his house, held him down and shoved it there. Needless to say I had to call in the police to share with them.

Despite years of exp

Despite years of experience in helping friends, family members, and pets with various medical issues, I’m afraid I wasn’t so smart with my own health. Thinking I had a strained muscle, I used a heavy-duty sports vibrator on my calf constantly for a week. Turns out it was a massive DVT… from six inches above the knee to mid-calf, involving ...

Brought a pt from nu

Brought a pt from nursing home to ED for a possible UTI, on the pt’s face sheet ‘hospitals’ was listed under allergies.

One morning EMS brou

One morning EMS brought in an allergic rxn pt. When asked about her allergies, she stated that she is allergic to PCN and “cracks.” Pt then proceeded to tell me that she had smoked “some cracks” the night before and that she was out of her Benadryl, prescribed to her by the Free Clinic for just such an occassion. She ...

Last week we had a 1

Last week we had a 14 year old come with a broken wrist from falling off his bike. He had the scrapes on his arm to prove it. When i walked in to do my assessment I asked how the accident happened. The mother replied with “too much masturbation”. haha. the kid turned bright red and wouldn’t look me in ...

One evening while do

One evening while doing registration, I had an officer bring in an inmate. His complaint was rectal bleeding. After he sat down I had to go in back to laugh. Must have dropped the soap.

Gentleman comes into

Gentleman comes into ER with 3y/o child w/ c/o fever. i go into the room to do a rectal temp. father pulls down the pull-up and i go to it. the child screams “no, not in the butt!!” the father replies ” yeah, you and your mother both” …

I was volunteering i

I was volunteering in the ED’s registration desk. If you’ve ever been there, you get to see the array of people that come in. A man filled out the registration card. His chief complaint? “My dick itches and my balls hurt”. At least he was honest.

Was cleaning up afte

Was cleaning up after a pt received 20 stitches to his leg. I asked what happened. He said he got in a car wreck and noticed the girl in the other car was screaming. So ran to the car and kicked out the window to get her out. She then opened the car door to show that she was not ...

I was at the nurses

I was at the nurses station about a month ago filling out papers when a lady and her husband come up to the counter. The man goes and sits and the lady asks the nurse quietly “Can I put DNR on here and not worry about coming back?” The nurse giggles and says sorry, no, at which the lady smiles ...

Quote from my patien

Quote from my patient " my baby daddys other baby mamma bit my ear off"

Had a male nurse go

Had a male nurse go into a curtained room with a female tech to get a cath urine from an elderly demented lady. With curtain pulled he explains he needs a cath urine and patient agrees to the procedure. You hear him say “ok we are going to clean you up down here” and proceeded to use the betadyn when ...

Elderly gentleman br

Elderly gentleman brought from SNF with AMS. When in the ED, the resident asks, “where are we right now.” Patient pulled out his penis and began to urinate. He looked her right in the eye and said, “in a fucking coffee grinder, bitch!”

A young mother comes

A young mother comes in with her 5 year old son. I never really believed dogs ate homework, much like i never believed that children ate glue. he still had the elmer’s white glue applicator stuck to his pants. poison control said there is nothing toxic in the glue and that the kid would be fine. the quiet calm the ...

I work as a CT tech

I work as a CT tech and I was scanning a woman who had a confirmed bleed. While getting her onto the table and talking to her she started petting my arm and said, "Shhh, Shhh Sandy, don’t bark. Good dog." I wasn’t sure what to do so I said pretended to bark and finished the exam.

In Psych Crisis. Sch

In Psych Crisis. Schizophrenic female who’s a frequent flier comes in. She was going to be admitted. We gowned her. She got pissed at the wait to be transferred to a bed. So she protested by taking a dump in the middle of the ER hallway.

This 25 year old guy

This 25 year old guy comes into triage with a scared look on his face and a towel around his hand. He tells me he had an accident with a band saw and he thinks he has an amputation. i pull away the towel to reveal the cut… it was a paper cut – didn’t require any stitches. i gave ...

40-ish dad brings hi

40-ish dad brings his 11 yo daughter to the ER on a saturday night (about 11pm) ’cause “last month she was bleeding “down there” and it started again today…”

The patient presente

The patient presented with a laceration to his upper thigh. As he’s walking to the room he asks me "Do you know what holds the world together? " I thought a moment and answered, "Duct tape?" Sure enough, he lifts up his shorts to show me his duct tape bandage!

Pt arrives thinking

Pt arrives thinking he may have lice and wants checked out…turns out he was convinced he had lice on his eye lashes, so……he SHAVED them off. SERIOUSLY!!!

I had a man the othe

I had a man the other day who instructed me he was a god from Atlantis. When I asked him if he drank or did drugs, he told me that as a god he could not poison his body with drugs, but alcohol allowed him to achieve a higher consciousness.