Complete Idiots

Stories

Inconsiderate TARD

When I was little(12 yo), I was in the ER after being sent from my pediatricians for an asthma attack that wasn’t responding to medication. As I’m in the room with serious SOB, there’s a woman with a ‘headache on the left side’ demanding treatment ahead of everyone else because she had a meeting to get to. I am so ...

Plain…Whatever!

Asked a patient what pill killers she was using for her flank pain. Then the doctor started listing some “Tylenol, aleve, ibuprofen…..” Patient states “oh no. No ibuprofen, I’m allergic. I used Motrin.”……

Unable to Urinate? Here’s the Solution

Male patient comes to the ER complaining that he hasn’t been able to make much urine. Patient also complains that he is having severe abdominal and pelvic pressure. Upon assessing the patient he looks to be very distended. The patient begins to tell a nurse and myself how it got so bad last night that he went to the garage ...

You’re Lucky Enough to be Alive

A 21 year old kid had just been brought in from a high speed drunk driving accident. Him and his buddies hadn’t been wearing seat belts and on impact my patient was ejected, flew 30 feet and landed on his left side. He had a couple broken bones, but his head was intact, he could walk and would only need ...

Yup, You’re Preggers

Young woman comes in to ER saying she hasn't had her period for 5 months. She denies being sexually active, but the urine test says otherwise. Shockingly it turns out she was preggers.

Treated for Shock

A lady called 9-1-1 for hiccups. After all, she'd had them for half an hour! Oh, and she was pale & cool and so she wanted to be 'treated for shock' while we were there. No, she did not get transported...

Itchy Bumps

Male patient comes in to the ER, states, "I think I'm having an allergic reaction to this stuff. I had itchy bumps on my legs so I put it on." The patient put capsaicin creme (made with the same stuff that makes chili peppers hot) on the "itchy bumps". The "itchy bumps" were scabies.

Deja Vu in the Shower

We once had a woman call 911 because she "had deja vu in the shower and got really nervous". That's an emergency?

Burning Pain in the Neck

Girl came in complaining of burning pain to her neck and shoulders. Turns out she used Icy-Hot rub and didn't expect the sensation she got.

SOB for Jock

Male patient calls 911 for shortness of breath because his jock itch was hurting too much...

Mosquito Bites to the Leg

Female comes in to the ED with a complaint of 6 mosquito bites to the lower leg. She states she is sure that they are mosquito bites because it's summer, she was outside at night and she saw and felt each mosquito as she was bitten.

Chest Pains and Spicy Food

Extremely large patient comes in by ambulance with chest pains and saying she had a heart attack. The story turns out that she ate a bunch of spicy food and sat in a hot tub for a few hours.

Excess Weight

Female patient was sitting at home watching the local news when the news did a piece about "THE RISING PERIL OF OBESITY" in society. She got so worked up that she called 911 and demanded an ambulance ride, which she got, even though her only medical complaint was "excess weight".

Crispy English Muffin

Female patient in ER complaining of chest pain. She was eating a "very crispy English muffin" and felt a burning sensation in the middle of her chest.

Allergic to Tylenol

"I'm allergic to Tylenol, but I can take Percocet."

Contraceptive Jelly

EMS called by police who picked up a prostitute who complained of a "vaginal pain" after a night of work. EMS arrived on scene and did quick assessment. Woman said she was told by her "co-workers" to use contraceptive jelly and she said she chose "Smucker's" and didn't know if it was working.

Morphine Doesn’t Help

"Morphine doesn't help my pain...but that pain medicine that starts with "D" always helps..."

Afraid of Obama

I had a PT's family member tell me that she didn't want her husband to be an organ donor because she was "afraid of Obama." Because the president is going to start killing people for their kidneys I guess.

Lava Lamp

PT comes in after a night out with the boys. He states that he had a small, battery-operated lava lamp inserted into his rectum. Sent him to OR for removal.

Pack a Day

Dispatched to a difficulty breathing call. Arrive on scene and find male patient in no distress. En route to the hospital we find out that he has emphysema and bronchitis. Also find out that he continues to smoke 3 packs a day...

Nothin’ On My Skin

When offered a nicotine patch (since she can't go out to smoke), she refused, stating: "I don't want nothin' on my skin that gonna harm me!"

Become a Vegan and Grow a Beard

Arrived on scene and was told (in fearful tones) by the father that his son was becoming a terrorist. How did he know this? Because his son had become a vegan and grown a beard.

Earring Back

23 y/o female presents to the ER at 2 am because she was unable to unscrew the back off of her earring and her ear was beginning to hurt.

Lose His Shit

Patient states that he "doesn't know if I slept funny but my neck hurts." He then proceeded to lose his shit and yell at the triage nurse when a 6-year-old with a broken arm was seen before him.

Unresponsive on Couch

EMS dispatched to home for "unresponsive" patient. Roommate states patient had not slept in three days but was unresponsive on couch. EMS found male patient lounging in recliner, snoring.

Give Us a Call

Pt: "The wait is too long, we're going to go out for dinner and will come back. Can you give us a call?"

Itchy Eyes

Pt: "I've had itchy eyes for 11 years." RN: "And what makes this an emergency today?"

No Complaints

Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints when he states, "I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now.

Better Get It Checked Out

I asked him what was different today that he had to come by ambulance in an ice storm he said, "Nothing. It's just that a friend said I'd better get it checked out."

Does It Still Hurt?

RN: "What brings you in today?" PT: "Well, I was leaning over and I sneezed and it kinda hurt my back." RN: "Does it still hurt?"

Make an Impression

Man tried to make an impression of his foot by placing it in a bucket of cement so he could create contemporary art.

Dentist 911

Guy called 911 because he had a toothache for the last 3 weeks and didn't have a dentist. Sad part is, after we brought him in, he left without being seen because the ER wait was too long.

Coughing Up Stuff

A twenty-something husband and wife come in to triage with URI symptoms x 18 hours.

Frozen, Thawed, then Cooked

A family of six showed up to the ER complaining of vomiting. During triage, nurse found out the family had eaten chicken for lunch. Unfortunately, that chicken was purchased a week before, frozen after a few days, thawed for a couple of days, then cooked and left sitting out for a few days.

In and Out Again

Chief complaint at triage: "A fly flew in my ear and then flew out again."

Possible Positive Test

Patient came in asking for us to test her for "swine flu" because her sister's boyfriend had a possible positive test a few years back.

Start the Line

Upon arrival, facility's nurse says patient needs to go to ER, the only level I trauma center in the area, for an IV. Just to start the line-no drugs pushed, not even saline, no other problems, just an IV placement.

Caustic Hemorrhoids

We went to a call at 2am for a 21-year-old female with hemorrhoids stating that she "can't walk" due to pain. I ask the patient what she's be treating her hemorrhoids with and she responds "Tiger Balm" which is a somewhat caustic topical that is NOT designed for hemorrhoids.

Late Night Call

Called to the local inpatient addiction/rehab "hospital" to transport someone who can't seem to stay awake, problem is the call came in at 0300 hrs.

Leave a Record

A couple comes in to Peds ER with their 4 mo baby. Their reasoning was they thought the baby formula looked and smelled funny.

Pack the Suitcase

Male brought in his grandfather who was not breathing and unresponsive. Nurse: "So when did you notice your grandfather wasn't breathing?" Patient: "About 30 minutes ago."

Change the Order

Doctor discharged patient with prescription of four Vicodin pills. The guy thought he could pull one over on the pharmacist so he decided to change the order to 40 pills, not stopping to think that we might keep the carbon copy for our records.

Choking on Glass

Pt: "I feel like I'm choking." Nurse: "What did you ingest last?" Pt: "My crack pipe broke and I swallowed some of the glass."

It Started This Morning

Nurse: "Did this problem start today?" Patient: "No, it started this morning."

Patch of Pimples

A mother brought her teen daughter to a tertiary level hospital Emergency Department because the daughter had a patch of pimples on her cheek and had a party to go to that night.

Drain Pain in the Rear

Had to remove a drain snake that was used in an attempt to retrieve the cap of a spray paint can from patient's rectum. The paint can came out, but the lid stayed put.

Scared to Death

A frantic mother brings in her 23-year-old daughter with chest pain and anxiety. The daughter was at the movie theater watching a horror flick and a scene scared her. The mother said, "I don't want my daughter to be scared to death."

Missed Bowel Movement

One time we had a patient come to the ER at 10am on a weekend because he missed his 9am bowel movement.

Bleach to the Feet

Male patient came in to ER with c/c of chemical burns on feet. Turns out he had athletes foot and tried to get rid of it by soaking his feet in bleach.

A Day Late

Female patient in early 20's complaining of being "more emotional in the past couple days" and that her period is "a day late" without any other signs.

Losing a Bet to Friends

Get called for a guy who drank about a gallon of windshield washing fluid after losing a bet to his friends. His chief complaint was "an intensely upset stomach" and was wondering if he was going be fine.

A Tingling Feeling

EMS gets called priority 1 for a possible CVA. Arrive on scene to find a 23-year-old male c/o a tingling feeling in one arm after waking up from a nap!

Only Slightly Thirsty

24-year-old female in to ER c/o "dry mouth after taking Tylenol PM" so we place her in a hall bed and give her water. After about 3 hours, the doctor still hadn't been in to see her as she was clearly a non-medical emergency

Smacked Upside the Head with a Smoothie

Male patient in the ER with a serious head injury. "My bitch turned tricks and smacked me upside the head with a smoothie!" Turns out a "smoothie" is an iron since it smooths out your clothes.

No More Vegas

Mom's response when told her 15-year-old son had overdosed and was sitting in the ER, "Dang, now I am gonna have to cancel my trip to Vegas. I've been planning this trip for months!"

Only When I Take Ecstasy

25-year-old pt comes in early hours one weekend with panic attack after taking a couple of ecstasy tabs. We ask if he suffers from anxiety normally to which he replies, "No, only when I take ecstasy."

They Done Named Her

Two new mothers were in the nursery talking about their newborns.

Too Sick for School

Male patient presents at triage asking for a sick note for college (this was just prior to the fall exams). His reasoning was that his book bag was too heavy causing back pain. He insisted that this prevented him from studying for his class.

Even a Blind Squirrel Finds a Nut

A woman had a pet squirrel and decided to bring it in to the ER because it bit her on the thumb. She insisted that it be checked for rabies but we told her we aren't a vet and we don't do animal testing.

Would You Like a Sucker with Your Bandaid?

50-year-old female comes into ER complaining of laceration on hand. She had a Bandaid over her purported laceration and after removing it, there was a pinpoint mark, negative for current bleeding and negative sign of previous bleed.

Headaches and Bad Dreams

Pt came into ER c/o "headaches and bad dreams." We sent him home and told him to lay off the marijuana.

Diagnosis Disagreement

We had a guy wait three hours to get a second opinion because he disagreed with his own doctor's diagnosis. He couldn't understand the long waiting time for someone with a minor sprain.

Stick it Where the Sun Don’t Shine

A man showed up to the ER after he said he smoked marijuana and decided to stick a small flashlight in his anus. Apparently his friends dared him to stick it "where the sun don't shine."

Nappy Time

A mother came in carrying her two-year-old son, who was asleep during the assessment. Problem? The boy had a mosquito bite on his knee!

Jeeves, Fetch the Car

Patient came in at 3am by ambulance service only to have a non-emergency. She then became upset when we did not have a car service to take her back home after discharge. And this is the hospital's fault, how?

Thawed Out

A mother brought in her 16-year-old boy because he developed a severe, sudden headache while eating ice cream...by the time they got to the ER the "brain freeze" had thawed out!

Watch Out for Flying Cows

A woman called EMS complaining of head pain after she had been hit multiple times with a stuffed cow by her boyfriend.

Itchy Balls

Male patient presented with testicular itching for 27 years. So three decades of itching is now considered an emergency at 1am?

It’s the Black Lung

19 y/o girl came in due to "everyday coughing" for the last 5 years! Oh, it was a coincidence that it was about the same time she started smoking, too!

I Need a Wheelchair!

"I need a wheelchair because I broke my arm!"

I Can’t Breathe!

PT: "I have COPD and I can't breathe!!!"

I Feel No Pain, Something Is Wrong

A 50 y/o woman comes in at 4am because "it's been 20 years that this scar (cesarean) hurts me, but something must be wrong because tonight I feel no pain."

Head out the Window

Patient: "I've been having trouble breathing all day!" Nurse: "Your oxygen levels right now are fine."

I Might Have High Blood Pressure

A 500+ pound man, who had not left the house in 3 years, came to the ER because he was concerned he "might have high blood pressure" and wanted to see what he could do.

Don’t Eat the Special Brownies

One patient came in ALS and two others BLS where they were either tachycardic and hallucinating, or just plain sedated. The report from the paramedics was they all ate brownies an hour prior and began vomiting uncontrollably with syncopal episodes.

Stretch it Out

Had some guy come in complaining of painful urination. We come to find out he had a 1lb dumbbell tied to his penis because he thought it would help enlarge it.

The Caravan Clan

EMT arrives on scene after a call for a 60-year-old patient with a stomach ache. EMT noted the family followed the ambulance in their SUV on way to hospital. Really? You couldn't take him on your own?

Post-Op Rage

Received call from post-op patient enraged stating that her doctor was fired and she needed help. After calming her down she told me she was mad because apparently no one told her that she would experience pain after her surgery.

Bowel Blues

We had a patient come in with brutal abdominal pain. Turns out the guy swallowed a condom filled with cocaine which burst after several days trying to make it through his bowels.

That Time of the Month

A 19 y/o female patient came in with multiple complaints, one of them being vaginal bleeding.

Watch that Zipper

After the first snowfall of the year, a woman brings in her 4-year-old daughter because the zipper is caught on her snowsuit and she couldn't get her out.

Sparkling Fresh Breath

I get called to an abandoned house for "a woman complaining of a bad taste in her mouth."

I Can See, It’s A Miracle!

Girl comes in complaining of not being able to see. The nurse gives her a gown and tells her to put it on and leaves the room.

Will it Make Him Gay?

Father brings in newborn child who is crying and has signs of a fever. We decide a rectal thermometer would work best but before we use it, the father asks, "If you check his temperature there, will it make him gay?"

Too Tired

Pt came in and complained of being tired after experiencing seasonal allergies.

Morning Sickness from My Wife

"I think I caught morning sickness from my pregnant wife."

Dangerous Dandruff

A lady came into our urgent care clinic because she had dandruff. Gotta get that Head and Shoulders...

That Tray Ain’t Contagious

Got into it with a grandma because as we were performing an LP on her newborn grandson with a 102 temp, she touches the sterile field.

Itchin’ Bitchin’

Called to trailer park at 3am for an 80-something female. When asked what seemed to be the problem she said, "I itch all over."

In too deep

After running all day and most of the night, we were finally able to get some sleep when at 3am we caught a run.

A Tangled Mess

A patient came in because her hair was tangled. Yup, tangled. She hadn't combed it in over two weeks. She had gone to a beauty salon for them to fix it, but she thought it was too expensive, so she came in to the ER.

Like a Rock

15-year-old female comes in with a bruised foot and can't walk on it. Why? "I was at the bowling alley and kicked a bowling ball really hard because I wanted to see if it was as hard as it looked."

Dry Mouth? Try Water!

Call to home of 37 y/o female with unknown problem. Met at door by pt where she tells us she has a 3 hour history of "dry mouth" and nothing else.

Holding Sperm

Guy came into the ER needing a post accident UDC (urine drug collection). He starts off by stating that the last time he was in the ER was after being dragged 500 ft behind a truck in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Only Water for Me, Please

30 y/o female, Hep C+, HIV+, hx heroin, ETOH, cocaine and amphetamine abuse comes in for pacemaker implant (go figure). Is worried we will ruin her breast implants with the pacer pocket.

Drain-O, Breakfast of Champions

I work at poison control and recently got a call with the following question: "I had a strange urge to try Drain-O but I think I swallowed more than I should have, should I go to the ER?"

My Baby Needs Silence!

A pregnant woman comes in smelling of cigarette smoke and demands to be seen. She wants her unborn baby examined "for injuries" and wants a copy of the chart for her lawsuit.

Pinkie Pain

Mother called 911 and came to hospital because her child had been stung on the 5th finger by a bee. No allergy to bee stings, no family history of it and no swelling present. I was extremely hard pressed to even see the spot. We gave the child an ice pack and sent them home.

Scary Dreams

Patient in to ER because of terrible nightmares. Yeah, that's an emergency we can fix...

Lack of Brass Balls

Group of teen boys come into ER with their buddy in a wheelchair who is complaining of severe groin pain.

Out of Sight, Out of Her Mind

Pt came in complaining of headaches and dizziness. Turns out she lost her glasses a few weeks earlier.

State of Emergency

Middle of a huge snowstorm, the city issued a no unnecessary travel advisory. Patient comes to the ER complaining of a rash on his stomach that he's had for three weeks. This is an emergency now?

Smell my breath

Had a man call 911 because he thought someone broke into his home and covered his turkey with Chloroform in order to poison him.

Ticket to Ride

Pt called 911 to report chest pain. Ambulance arrived to find pt on curb with LARGE suitcase.

Put a Ring on It

Patient says, "I have a big problem and I need help as soon as possible."

Chief complaint: Pine Sol

Chief complaint: "I took a bath and added Pine Sol a few days ago to get germs off. I've had vaginal irritation ever since."

Hygiene First!

9 y/o child brought in by dad. C/o pain during & after urination. Patient is uncircumcised and the Dx is balanitis.

Right in the Artery!

19-year-old female comes in complaining of neck pain. She woke up and one side of her neck was hurting "right in her artery!"

Break a Leg, or Legs!

I was paged a run to an ECF for a femur fx. The pt proceeds to tell me that the nursing staff told her she had bilateral femur fx.

Nice Nails

Patient come in through triage c/o finger pain. After assessing, found out all she had was a broken nail

An Emergency Charge

Get a call for an unknown sick at a local grocery store and dispatch says patient in distress.

Can you check…

Patient presents with "fast heartbeat" which then turns into chest pain, DVT, high cholesterol and "can you see if something is wrong with my thyroid?"

Packed in Tight

61-year-old female presents to the ED with severe rectal bleeding.

Need a Lift?

Had a patient who came in with a complaint of extreme headache and loss of consciousness.

What happened to my toe?

PCSO (a type of British auxiliary police officer) calls over ambulance, presents c/o pain in foot, insists on examination.

From the ER to the Ward

Female, 16-years-old to triage, c/o 19-weeks pregnant, no fetal HB. We put her in a wheelchair straight to L&D.

Results May Vary

Saw a young lady who felt funny after taking some diet pills (some mix of gaurana and caffeine) - it said take one pill, twice a day.

Pregnant? Couldn’t be that…

Twenty-something female complaining of nausea/vomiting for three weeks and says she has noticed slight weight gain.

Oh that? That’s not Mine!

Patient came in and during triage I ask if he drinks, smokes, or partakes in recreational drugs. He answered no to all of the questions.

Burning Up

A parent called our Peds ER to say that her child had a temperature of 325.

Moving? Call 911

We got a call, 3am Saturday morning for W/D. Upon arrival, we see the woman standing in the hallway outside her room holding 2 huge suitcases and a large purse.

I’m pregnant, I think!

We had a lady and her husband come into the ER one day wanting an OB ultrasound done.

“Frequent Flyer” Patient

A "frequent flyer" patient calls an ambulance and comes to the ER.

No Room to Park

Male patient was brought in by ambulance with an injured left knee he suffered from playing a sport. He was able to ambulate with minor difficulty and had little to no swelling.

You’re on Crack

A 30-something female came in with her boyfriend and said she had accidentally swallowed her crack pipe.

The Great Prostate Debate

A female patient came in with the complaint of trouble urinating, and that was only the beginning.

An Expensive Ambulance Ride

Called to the home of a man who had stomach pains. Upon arrival, he told us, "I went to the ER, but they told me I was going to wait two hours in the waiting room."

Steam Pressed

We had a 15 year old patient come in with second degree burns on his chest. After inspection, the burns were in a very distinct pattern.

If He Has Brain Cancer, She Needs a Lobotomy

I had a patient once in the ER at 3am that had a bump behind his ear (since birth). His girlfriend was convinced it was a brain tumor...

Cleaning the Attic

A 40 year old guy comes to my triage window with a broken arm after falling in his attic. He was doing some cleaning at his place when this happened.

The Patch

During a patient‘s two week follow-up appointment, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

Hey, there is something in my scrotum!

One of our medic units was dispatched to a 15 y.o. male with a needle in his scrotum. When they get there, the "story" they get is that the kid was naked, on the floor, watching TV, when he rolled over and an errant sewing needle that just happened to be on the carpet stuck him in the hairy beanbag.

30-something y/o mal

30-something y/o male, resident of a state hospital for the insane. a regular at the ED where i used to work. cames in because THIS TIME he swallowed a DOORKNOB. last time it was a door hinge and a bedspring.

Young female present

Young female presents to ER this evening C/O abdominal pain N/V. Can’t get out 2 full words without screaming and crying, but can say (with no difficulties) “they give me dilaudid for pain”. WOW!!! Imagine that! You can get all that out with no problems, but you can’t point to where your belly is hurting? Guess what she got??? Give ...

Had a pt yesterday g

Had a pt yesterday going off yelling that she wanted to see the doctor because she wanted her xray. she was in pain and thought it was going to take the pain away.

a women actually sho

a women actually shot herself in her upper arm because she has had excruciating pain in her shoulder and she does not have medical insurance. She shot herself so she would have to be seen.

I had a patient pres

I had a patient present for a toothace (which by the way annoys the hell out of me), he stated that the tooth had been hurting for a couple of weeks. when I asked him why he did not go to the dentist he replied “That costs money”.

"humen bit on whyte

“humen bit on whyte meet” was the complaint…I call the young “lady” over to triage her and I asked her what that meant…human bite on the white meat…”human bite on the white meat? What is the white meat?” I ask. She points to her massive upper arm and on the inside “flap o fat” is a very large bite mark…I ...

Had a patient brough

Had a patient brought in by ambulance after picking muhrooms from is backyard, cooking them up with some rice & brought in after having an altered mentation. Claimed he died & was a buddha. Scary part was his girlfriend did not seem upset at this claim.

Had a DOA last week.

Had a DOA last week. Lesson learned: Never throw an old TV set in a fire. The shrapnel can and will kill you.

40 some y/o male com

40 some y/o male comes in to the ED with his mother “she made me come in” c/o coughing up blood–lungs clear and no coughing, CXR WNL–imagine that. He jumps off the cart, closes the door and says he does not want his mother to hear–“I have something down there and its tying me up”–only 40 to 50 genital warts.

17 y.o. female prese

17 y.o. female presents with boyfriend with c/o “abd. pain”. doesn’t take the pill “all the time” cause she “forgets” but it didn’t matter cause HIS mom was hoping they were pregnant anyway…. As I did my assessment – beginning with LUNG sounds… boyfriend interrupts to ask “so did ya hear 2 heartbeats?”

about 7 years ago, I

about 7 years ago, I was night shift, a male in his 30’s was drinking and climbed a flagpole on a dare, when he slid down the flagpole, he did not realize that there is a “hook” to wrap the rope around. It took 38 sutures to close his scrotum! He presented back a week later with wound infection!

One day we had a Pt

One day we had a Pt that came into the ER complaining of having the flu and body aches for the past four days. Only problem was that he was still wearing the VIP wristband he got at the club last night. After he was asked how the club was he decided that he wasn’t that sick and left.

During a nightshift,

During a nightshift, the call bell sounded from one of my rooms (with four patients), and it was from one of the other patients. I headed over to his bed, and said patient screamed out on the top of his voice how he couldn’t sleep because the door to the hallway was slightly ajar. Not only did he wake up ...

What I learned durin

What I learned during my last 12hr shift in the ER: When brought in with MI symptoms, it’s totally acceptable to ask the nurse to call your wife and have her bring you a cheeseburger because you missed lunch.

7 y/o m brought in b

7 y/o m brought in by mom & aunt for possible head injury with swelling on forhead. Pt had been playing on trampoline previous night with friends, swelling started today. Pt had no complaint of pain but said the swelling was itchy. Dx=mosquito bites.

4 y/o m brought in b

4 y/o m brought in by dad for possible tick bites. Kid had moles that dad hadn’t ever noticed before. Kid was cool, just glad he wasn’t getting a shot.

we're parked at the

we’re parked at the ED with several other units. a car drives up to us and an excited woman gets out. “my son’s having trouble breathing, should i call 911?” suspecting that i know where her son is, i ask “ma’am, where is your son?” she replies, “he’s in the back of the car.” trying not to roll my eyes, ...

Had a 4 year old who

Had a 4 year old who came in with a “belly looks green” complaint . It did NOT look green. I had to restrain myself to not put “R/O turning into a leprechaun” as the complaint!

Fundie woman dialed

Fundie woman dialed 9-1-1 because she saw two guys being lovey-dovey across the street. Wanted the police to come and “do something.” Like what, lady? Arrest you for abusing emergency services?

EMS report to the ER

EMS report to the ER—Pt with hx of back problems. Pt twisted her back tonight and felt pop. Pt reports numbness and tingling as well as “legs don’t work and won’t follow commands.” Pt then ambulated with steady gait from 2nd story of house into ambulance.

Man comes to ED in a

Man comes to ED in a raincoat withh a vacuum cleaner. Apparently there he was vacuuming nude and it just got away from him and attached itself to his penis. He brought the entire vacuum cleaner.

Man comes into the E

Man comes into the ER wearing a hospital gown and a band from another hospital. Asked did he want to see a doctor, he replied yes. when asked why he said because the cab from the other hospital would only take him to our ER and he needed to get closer to home…so he wanted to see a doctor so ...

had a guy come in ch

had a guy come in christmas day, c/o being dizzy ever since he dyed his hair blonde in august.

Guy comes into ED fo

Guy comes into ED for abd pain. As I go through my assessment, I ask “are you urinating okay?”. Guy answers, with a VERY strong accent, “naw, I aint!”. Ok, I said tell me more about that. Pt. responds “I dunno, I just dont feel like eatin”. OH! Realizing he doesnt know what “urinating” is…. I asked “but can you ...

Had a guy call me in

Had a guy call me in triage and say he’d stuck a potato up his butt 2 weeks before, it never came out, and he’s having abd pain. I thought it was a joke. 3 hours later the guy shows up. Well, we never found a the potato but he did end up having appendicitis. I always wondered what kind ...

Hiccups. Seriously?

Hiccups. Seriously? You just signed in with hiccups. And couldn’t even spell it right.

Had a patient today

Had a patient today that came in for foot pain. And told the doc the reason he was here is cause he had foot pain and he was out of methadone.

Pt complanit – the l

Pt complanit – the last doctor he saw did not write him for adequate pain meds…so i wrotle him for Percocet # One truckload – the guy almost danced out of the ED. Of course he was very upset when he went to get it filled and the Pharmacy told him that this was not an accurate script

30 some yr old stab

30 some yr old stab victim present’s to ER. When asked what happened she said she was fighting with her crack cocaine dealer. She wouldn’t pay him, so he tried to take her DVD player. During the struggle, he stabbed her in the abdomen. Now c’mon…if you can’t trust your crack dealer, who can you trust?

Man in a wheel chair

Man in a wheel chair came in because he had a fortune cookie that read, “Be cautious today.” He denied all complaints, just thought he should not tempt fate because of the fortune cookie.

Chief Complaint at t

Chief Complaint at triage: “Connt here out of M F ear” Oh really?

Had a pt that sign i

Had a pt that sign in yesterday cause they dropped a toothpick on their foot.

Older lady calls 911

Older lady calls 911 and comes in from an ALF via ambulance with a c/o “I’m sick of all these people stealing my money” and wanted “a note from a doctor saying she could go home”. This would have been midly entertaining had every hospital in the downtown area not been on divert to us at the time.

Had patient that wan

Had patient that wanted Rx for a motorized scooter because smoking pot makes her dizzy.

Had a guy come in wh

Had a guy come in who was doing non contact judo that had accidental contact which resulted in a piece of the other guy’s tooth stuck between his teeth…used dental floss to get it out

Had a guy come in to

Had a guy come in to the ER after eating steak saying he had a piece stuck in his throat. Before we could retrieve it he managed to cough up a 4-5in long piece of steak. Apparently he was never taught to cut his food into bite size pieces and to chew thoroughly.

Young female pt. com

Young female pt. comes in tonight – crying b/c she swallowed her tonsils and believes one to be stuck in her throat!

40ish year old femal

40ish year old female to ED via ambulance for hair dye on her hands “that she can’t get off.” States it’s burning my hands. Still has hair dye on head, has been there for more than an hour and gets angry when upon discharge did not receive a cab voucher

Had a pt at 4 am, be

Had a pt at 4 am, because she had her period, it was one day late, so she came to the hospital. Nothing different, just her regular menstrual period.

RN Nurse told me of

RN Nurse told me of a guy brought in by Ambulance. Seems he had severe burns to his thighs and backside but refused to give info on how it happened. His girlfriend was finally consulted and she said he liked to sit on the toilet and light m-80’s then throw them in the pot and jump off. Guess he never ...

While in the ER, I h

While in the ER, I heard an ambulance call to give report on a patient so I picked up the radio to get report. The paramedic said that he’s transporting a 23 year old male that called 911 because he, “just wasn’t feeling right.” His chief complaint happened after the patient had smoked a bag of marijuana and then followed ...

18 year old came int

18 year old came into the ER, pumping blood out of an artery in her hand while chopping vegetables for her bf’s valentine’s day dinner. “Can’t you just put a few stitches in it? I need to go home, he’s going to make love to me tonight and I don’t want to miss it. I didn’t pass out, I just ...

A patient came in co

A patient came in complaining of white vaginal discharge that only happens after she’s done having sex with her boyfriend. When asked if her boyfriend ever wears condoms, she shook her head no.

67 y/o female comes

67 y/o female comes into the ER with c/o altered mental status and fatigue. While questioning her and getting her basic background information she finally admits she hasn’t eaten anything for 4 days. Uh I wonder what her problem could possibly be…

"I"m worried my 6

“I”m worried my 6 year old might have swine flu”. “Ok, what symptoms is he experiencing?” “none, but he went on a class trip to a farm and there were pigs there.”

I'm allergic to the

I’m allergic to the 5 mg percocet, but the 10mg ones are ok.

I had a 21 yo female

I had a 21 yo female with belly pain come in. When I asked what her last oral intake was, she stated 1 month ago. When I said “you havn`t eating anything in a month?” she replyed “oh i thought you meant oral sex”.

"I got in a fight l

“I got in a fight last weekend. The swelling is gone but I thought I should get checked out just in case.”

RN: "Do you have an

RN: “Do you have any medical history or problems?” Pt : “No, not that I know of” RN: “Do you take any medications?” Pt: “Yes, (hands you a 2 page list!!) RN: “Why do you take these?” Pt: “Don’t know, the doctor made me start them after my stroke”

A deaf mute paranoid

A deaf mute paranoid schizophrenic came to the ED with a box of parts and an ad from a magazine that said “garanteed to give you 12 inches” and a note that said “How do I work this?

A man brings in his

A man brings in his 25 year old mechanic coworker who tripped over an oil pan and twisted his knee, quite seriously in fact. The patient’s mother comes in some time later and sees that her son is covered in oil from the accident. She proceeds to tear open any IV bag she can find and ” wash off that ...

a 24 year old male c

a 24 year old male comes in with a partially amputated hand. How? Dry ice in a closed 2 gallon jug = boom. People really need to listen to those warnings on Mythbusters.

A man rode up to the

A man rode up to the ER one night complaining of “burns” on his arm. After a quick assessment which revealed not even a singed hair, I asked what happened. He said he was using carburetor cleaner to clean his bike chain and it was getting dark so he pulled out his cigarette lighter for some extra light.

Last night a mother

Last night a mother brings her 16 y/o son in with a broken arm after falling down the stairs. Walking down the hall the mother catches up to me and says ” Thanks for all your help, although I think he might be gay, is there anything you can prescribe him for that just in case ?”…TARD

I am an EMT student

I am an EMT student at the moment. One Sunday night I was doing one of my required ED internship rotations and a 19 y.o. female was brought in with a stab wound to the lower back. When the medics brought her in the front desk staff recorded her c/c as a back lac and sat her in the waiting ...

Best "The Dog ate t

Best “The Dog ate the Vicodan” Story. I was sitting at Triage on a Saturday morning. A 40ish female presents with chronic low back pain stating 10/10. She has a pain contract and was all out of her pills. Her doctor was unavailable. Here is her plight. Her vial of 60 pills was sitting on the window sill over the ...

Patient presents to

Patient presents to ER, when asked about allergies, patients replied, “water”. WTF. No way.

EMS calls in a lady

EMS calls in a lady in labor, with rupture membranes. Well, working in the ER, we send those straight to Labor and Delivery. About 30 minutes later, OB called down and stated they are sending the patient back down. When we ask why, they stated that the patient was not pregnant and had actually pissed her pants. She still believed ...

Woman comes in yeste

Woman comes in yesterday demanding the H1N1 flu shot. I explained to her that the ER doesn’t give flu shots as it’s not an emergency and she could get one from her family doctor or a walk in clinic. After calling me an idiot she told me she just took a pregnancy test and it came out positive so it ...

When I was a student

When I was a student on one of my first nights, a mid 40s woman runs in saying her son is in the car and she thinks he overdosed! Why did she think so? She found an empty toothpaste tube in his backpack. When the son explained that it was empty because he was pulling a prank on a friend ...

I once had a gentelm

I once had a gentelman come in to the ER stating he was allergic to crabs and had just accidently ate some. While writting the chief complaint I asked him why he ate crabs when he knew he had a shellfish allergy? He replies not sea shellfish ones but the ones that my girldfriend has. My doctor told me after ...

An acquaintance came

An acquaintance came into the ER with a chief complaint of crabs. I asked him how long he had these and he said a while. Said he had tried everything to get rid of them. Knowing the guy, I told him to shave one side, get a icepick and a lighter and set one side on fire and stab them ...

Had an ambulance cal

Had an ambulance call at 0330 for a PT complaining of “swollen tongue.” This PT lives across town from the squad, roughly 3 minutes from the hospital. After waking up, getting dressed, and getting halfway there, we get called by dispatch saying, “patrol is advising that pt is tired of waiting and will drive himself to the ED.” I talked ...

Me: "do you have an

Me: “do you have any allergies?” them: “yes, to antibiotics” Me: “which ones?” them: “all of them” Me: blank stare

A college girl comes

A college girl comes in with a headache so I ask “what makes your headaches worse?” her response is “head butting the wall after I argue with my boyfriend!” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Had a regular who fr

Had a regular who frequented both ED’s in town seeking drugs. One night ED#1 refused to give him anything, he stormed out into the waiting room and called EMS to go to ED#2 across town. When we arrived, we assessed the Pt in the ED waiting room, got him to sign the billing form, then marched him over to Triage ...

I'm a medical stude

I’m a medical student and was sent to evaluate a patient in the ER. When asked what brought her to the hospital, the patient promptly replied that she had Cystic Fibrosis. Not too outrageous, right? Except for the fact that she had ovarian cysts and uterine fibroids and combined that together to make “Cystic Fibrosis.” :face palm:

Patient comes into t

Patient comes into triage and says “I burnt myself cremating my dog!” Top tip for next time, don’t shove the dog into an old wine barrel, pour gasoline in and stand over the barrel when you drop the match in.